lousy pants

When I started six months ago The Mundane Manager handed me a pair of Tim Horton's pants that smelled like a lingering fart in a musty basement. The pants didn't have a button above the zipper, either.

The smell is a little better after many washes, but the button is still missing.

And without a button, my zipper is almost always either down, or on the way down. I would estimate that I have probably handed out around 1,000 coffees with my zipper completely down.

weird-o

Some weird-o pulls up to the intercom. He's ordering and ordering, but I can't hear him because his obnoxious diesel truck engine is louder than a Spinal Tab concert.

"Can you please pull up, sir? I can't hear you," I say.

"Why can't you hear me? You're the only one that can't hear me over my engine," he says at the window, and then proceeds to rev the engine. I start to think that the problem with his guy isn't under his hood, but in his trousers.

arby's sandwich

Zen Buddha brought this Arby's into work last night, but she didn't eat it right away. Around 2 a.m. she decided that it was go time, time to eat her roast beef sandwich.

"Fire, oh my god there is a fire," I heard Zen Buddha yelling.

I turned around to see ZB fling open the microwave. Inside her roast beef sandwich was on fire and still in the metallic wrapping.

"Oh, I forgot that I left the wrapping on."

unmarked van is a-rockin'

When I came into work the other day - grumpy and angry because I had to work - one of the daytime girls got all up in my grill, as she calls it.

"Guess what gangsta?" said the daytime girl, who, on a side note, is a very tiny, teenage white girl.

"What?"

"You don't have to be so mean, geeze, but I will tell you, anyway. There was like this white unmarked van sitting in the parking lot for like a whole hour. And no one from inside the van came in and ordered anything, then, a lady got out of the van to use our bathroom. Then the van just like drove off."

"So you think that they were doing some hard-core banging in the van?" I asked.

"God, like why do you have to put it that way? But yeah, I do. Gross, huh?"

"Everybody has urges, you know? And I'm glad the Tim Horton's parking lot can provide a safe haven for those urges."

"Like, totally, gross."

courtesy patrol van

One of those Courtesy Patrol Vans rolled up to the drive-thru window. The guy inside had ordered a large double-double.

"Can you put a sleeve on that," said the dude, then he handed me his money. "Wait, is the coffee hot?"

"Yeah, it's kind of hot," I said. Now, I said, "kind of hot," because there were two creams in it. Black coffee is really hot. A double-double is "kind of hot."

"No, never mind," he said. "I want my money back."

"Really? The coffee is fresh. I just..."

"Give me my money," he interrupted, then reached for his money that was still in my hand. "The last couple of times that I have been to Tim Hortons the coffee hasn't been hot. Give me my money. My coffee has to be hot and I am in a hurry. Now, give me my money."

"You aren't very nice," I said, then handed him back his money. My comment stunned The Courtesy Patrol Van dude, so he didn't start yelling at me until I had already closed the window and was waving goodbye to him.

It is now possible, and kind of likely, that The Mundane Manager will receive a phone call from The Courtesy Patrol Van dude in the near future.

roast beef

The other night Zen Buddha walked toward me with one of her eyes twitching and she was foaming at the mouth.

"I think that we are going to start making roast beef sandwiches pretty soon," she said. "There is a new button on the ovens for roast beef."

"Do you think that is a good thing?"

"Yes, it will be great. I will have one everyday that I work."

"What else do you put on a roast beef sandwich besides roast beef?" I asked because I have never had a roast beef sandwich. I was vegetarian for two years of my life and I still really eat beef.

"I might put some cheddar cheese and hot sauce on it."

At that point, I realized that I better choose my words wisely because Zen Buddha is going to have a heart attack in a couple years. She already eats breakfast sandwiches without the bun, just sausage, egg, cheese, and hot sauce. She eats two of those every morning.

"Let the force be with you, Zen Buddha," I said and then got back to cleaning.

the zipper from hell

In the bitter cold I strapped on my new coat and set out to dispose of the trash - six bags full and 15 folded up boxes. As I was taking out the first load I noticed that the zipper on my coat had gravitated upward, leaving an unzipped area at the bottom - not good. When I tried to force the zipper back down it was stuck. Again, and again, and again I tried to set the zipper right in the bitter cold, no use.

Eureka! I got the bright idea to pull the zipper all up, even though it wasn't catching properly. So now, the zipper was all the way up and my coat was fully unzipped. I figured the zipper would unhinge at the top. I was wrong. It was even more stuck. I yanked, pulled, adjusted, re-adjusted, no use. My fingers were popsicles. My demeanor was low.

I now realized that my head wasn't going to fit through the hole. To make matters worse I was still wearing my headset, which was now lodged in my coat's head hole. I began to panic. I starting flanging around in the parking lot trying to get my coat off. Finally, I riped the headset loose and threw it to the ground. Next came my Tim Horton's visor and my hair net, but still my coat was stuck.

Slowly, I began to stretch the coat opening over my head, but as it started to go over my head it was riping strains of my hair out of my head. I hated everything at this point. I got the coat off. I was super stressed. I took a half an hour break. I didn't speak and I made Zen Buddha take all the orders.

little help from my commercials

I was watching TV, as I sometimes do to get my mind off the bitter realities of order-taking at Tims. Specifically, I was watching a basketball game and if you have ever indulged in a hard-fought b-ball game on the old tube then you know that there are a lot of breaks in the action, a lot of commercials, people.

During every interruption there was a commercial for Tim Hortons. At first, I walked out of the room when these babies came on because I felt like I was ODing on Tim Hortons. I mean, watching a Tim Horton's commercial for me, is kind of like watching commercials about the strength of rope after your next door neighbor just hung your favorite cat - Mittens - with rope, which is not cool, not cool.

But around the third quarter I started to get lazy. I remained on the couch watching these commercials, which I realized were all about the Bagel BELT. I reflected back to an old blog that I had written about how only mental-challenged people ordered the Bagel BELT.

In the commercial, a shot of bacon showed up on the screen and the announcer said "B." Then egg, "E." Then lettuce, "L." Then tomato, "T." Was this Sesame Street, or a Tim Horton's commercial? The announcer then explained that the Bagel BELT is just like a regular BLT, but with an "E," with means egg.

So, the target audience for these commercials is either people who live in a half-way house, or can't read - maybe both. I can't wait until all of our new customers come through the drive-thru trying to learn their ABCs while ordering the Bagel BELT. Great, just great.

the staff is a-changin'

So there is a new Kohls opening near Tim Hortons and a bunch of the daytime girls are applying. It's very hush, hush. Don't tell The Mundane Mundane.

Well, the other day one of the daytime girls told Zen Buddha that she should apply.

"Like totally, you should apply, Zen Buddha."

"Kohls, no way, I can't apply at Kohls," ZB replies.

"Like yes you can. You just go online and apply."

"I know how to apply, but they won't hire me."

"Like why?"

"Well, I am not even allowed in the Kohls' parking lot because I got caught stealing a bunch of stuff there last year. Kohls' security people took my mugshot and if they catch me in the store, or even near the store I could get in hella trouble."

"Like wow, Zen Buddha. You's a gangsta."

"Yeah, I have sneaked into Kohl's a couple times since, but I didn't buy, or steal anything."

more about the sensible skinhead

I have always sort of been on the fence about whether or not The Sensible Skinhead is good person. Yeah, he has been to jail, but that doesn't necessarily define his goodness, or badness.

A good person according to Doctor Donut: 1. Someone who doesn't maliciously lie to their friends 2. Is generally nice to others, unless provoked otherwise 3. Isn't completely engulfed by pop culture.

Here are some of The Sensible Skinhead traits, you can decide what type of person he is:
1. Always comes into work pissed-off, but lightens up as the night goes on.
2. Lies to impress co-workers. For example, tells Buddha Baker he has been 2 years sober and then tells me he went out drinking last night.
3. Strippers come to visit him at Tim Hortons to show off their new boob jobs.
4. Talks on one of those tiny cell phone attachments that go in your ear all night.
5. Went to go see "I Am Legend," but didn't know anything about "Sweeney Todd."
6. Sends me text message images of naked women.
7. Can perfectly impersonate any voice and recite large chunks of dialogue from movies and TV.

leather face/ex-wife

I worked with The Sensible Skinhead last night. His whole left arm is now tattooed.

"Is that new?" I asked. I couldn't help from asking. It looked like a horror movie poster on his arm - big stitches and mutilated faces all over the place.

He turned over his arm. "This is supposed to be a cross between an ex-wife and leather face," he said, pointing at the disfigured and bloody face. "It turned out really well."

"Have you been thinking about doing this for awhile?"

"Well," he said. "This guy from California, Eggroll, just tattoos me while we watch TV. He has won awards all over the world for tattooing."

"Why did Eggroll move to Michigan?"

"Oh, he lost his license in California," The Sensible Skinhead said. "And you don't need a license here."

"Really."