pull your pants up

I've made an observation. What? Me? Yes; I've gone and done it. Bare with me, people (perhaps, person).

You know how bugs are magically drawn in by the bright lights of a bug zapper? Well, for some reason, jackasses are drawn in by that large B.E.L.T. sandwich poster in the drive-thru line. They can't resist it. They must order it. It's strange because the folks with normal intelligence don't order the B.E.L.T. - which is a bagel with B. (Bacon) E. (Egg) L. (Lettuce) and T (Tomato). There is nothing wrong with the B.E.L.T. It's a good sandwich, but for some reason the only people that order it have a second-grade education.

It always starts the same way, "Can I get one of those, um, um, ah," and right there, I know: The moron is going to order a B.E.L.T. They always pause, and stumble over their words after saying, "those," because they get confused. They aren't quite sure if B.E.L.T spells something, or if they should just say the letters. It really throws the nitwit customer off.

They start with the letters: "Um, on of those B, uh, E, um, oh" - eureka, they figured out the puzzle - "Belt! Yeah, I want a Belt!" Now, the jackass is overjoyed.

And every time I am tempted to say, "Why don't you just pull up our britches and get the hell out of here," but I don't; instead, I ask, "What favor bagel would you like that on?"

And because they are still so overjoyed that they figured out the puzzle of the B.E.L.T., they don't really comprehend my question. They say, "A Belt! I want Belt!"

Again, I am tempted to tell them, "Pull up our britches and make like a tree," but I don't; instead, I say, "I know you want a Belt!, but on what kind of bagel? Like maybe an everything bagel, or a salt one, perhaps cinnamon raisin."

"Oh, I get to pick?"

"Oh, yeah, here at Tim Hortons we have all kinds of options, baby."

"Just put it on a plain bagel, then."