dwayne the brain mcclain is a louse

My Mundane Manager made me work over at the dirty, super busy Springfield store the other night. And to put the glaze on the donut, I was forced to work with the infamous Dwayne The Brain McClain, who's a middle-aged, socially-inept baker at the Springfield store. I've heard countless stories about much of a prick this guy is from The Zen and Buddha Baker. Now, it was my turn to experience this dude's snide demeanor first-hand.

I seriously thought about quiting, or just not showing up, but I talked myself into going in. I never came up with a good reason to go in, I just did it. It's like Tim Horton has me up against the boards and keeps cross-checking me in the back every time I get into a comfort zone at work.

Dwayne The Brain McClain never learned how to use the cash register, so he was unable to help me at all up front with drive-through customers. Zen and Buddha Baker warned me about this, so it wasn't a big shock, but still uncalled for. I mean, this guy has been working at Tim Hortons for a couple years now and he still doesn't know how to work the cash register? Bullshit.

Around midnight, Dwayne The Brain McClain suggested that I bring in my boom box, which I had in my car, so that I could listen to music. "It makes the time go faster," Dwayne The Brain McClain said. On the surface, this sounded like a nice suggestion, but the problem was that Dwayne The Brain McClain was already blaring Rush from the back. I thought he might turn down Rush a bit when I brought in my boom box, nope; instead my Animal Collective CD had to compete with Rush and the oldies playing in the lobby. This proved to be an impossible environment to take orders, so I just gave up.

A couple hours later, Dwayne The Brain McClain switched his radio over to "Love Lines." At this awkward point, he asked me, "Can you believe the crazy things that people ask about sex on this show?"

I hadn't been listening to the show because I was too busy taking orders, so I replied, "What are people asking about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said Dwayne The Brain McClain. "Just things about sex."

I gave him a blank stare, then it dawned on me that Dwayne The Brain McClain probably thinks that women's breasts feel like bags of sand. For a couple minutes I felt bad for the guy, but then I became paranoid. We were alone. He was going to make a move on me. I never got within 10 feet of him for the rest of night.

I need to have a serious talk with my Mundane Manager about never working at the Springfield store ever again.